The 7 Stages of Crack Cocaine Use

0 to 7 Stages of Crack Cocaine Use and Withdrawal Pattern

0) Currently using: Auditory hallucinations, hypertensive, hyper vigilant. During usage a person may think they hear sirens, cars pulling up outside, music, people talking, etc. Some people will experience tactile hallucinations such as skin crawling or seeing bugs on their skin. They will be extremely alert to the point of paranoia — perhaps suspicious of any movement around the area where they are using. It is common to hide out in the area where use is occurring and refuse to answer the door.

1) Panic stage: 1-3 hours after last use. During this phase money for more is the prime concern. In this phase a person may look for something around their house to sell or pawn or may consider where they may beg, borrow or steal something to sell for cocaine. Looking for lint on the rug hoping something has fallen is common at this point. In this acute withdrawal period, people have been known to try to rob crowded public places (mall stores, convenience stores, fast food restaurants) to obtain goods to sell or money for more crack. The withdrawal is so intense and craving so high that the person has little ability to think or reason logically.

2) Crash Stage: 3-24 hours after last use. Depression; remorse (suicidal); brain is in desperate need of rest but the chemicals (serotonin) necessary for sleep have been depleted and it is difficult, at first, to sleep. In this phase one wonders why they spent all their paycheck, used funds that did not belong to them, pawned valuable household items for less than actual value, stole from persons they truly care about, etc. Often, under the influence of cocaine-induced depression, one makes promises to never do it again in this phase and believes it. Highest risk for suicide is during this period.

3) Honeymoon Stage: 1-5 days after last use. Characterized by feeling very good. The craving is not noticeable or is easily manageable during this phase. The drug effects seem to be wearing off and one is starting to regain confidence in their ability to handle the addiction. During this phase it is common to hear a person say, “I don’t even think about it, I’m not going to have any problem with it. I do not even want it anymore.” A delusive way of thinking that ignores their past cycles and paves the way for the next binge. The chemical messengers of the brain (serotonin/dopamine) necessary to enjoy crack are still depleted and behind this lack of interest in crack. This is a dangerous stage as it is easy to think there is not a problem and therefore, why worry about it? People let down their guard during this phase and commonly use defense mechanisms, e.g., rationalizing and minimizing, to convince themselves this time they are cured and so have no need of further support or treatment. There is a high risk for people in treatment to leave during this phase as they no longer feel, or are aware of, the physical and emotional affects of the original crisis.

4) Return of Craving: 5-14 days after last use. Tremendous upsurge of acute drug hunger, depression, anger. The body has produced enough serotonin/dopamine for the person to want to use more cocaine but not enough to affect stability of mood and emotions. During this phase one may experience vivid dreams, fantasies, and acute drug hunger. Thoughts may cycle around using until a person feels like giving in to the obsession to use. Defense mechanisms (rationalization, intellectualization, denial, minimizing) begin to make a strong comeback after being knocked down by the original crisis.

5) Emotional Augmentation: 14-28 days start – up to 1-2 years. Over-response to the normal stress and events of everyday life. At the top of the mood swing one is unusually happy and at the bottom one is unusually sad. The state of making mountains out of molehills. This is related to biochemical responses induced by strong emotions that stimulate areas where mood and mind altering drugs act on the brain. The body is now seriously undertaking the repairs of areas damaged by drug use and is replacing important chemicals needed to regulate mood and emotions. As a result, one is slightly off balance chemically without being consciously aware of it. There there is a strong need for accurate feedback on one’s behavior from an objective support group. (Recommend AA or NA or another type recovery support group.) This cannot be stressed too highly for long term success in recovery. Also, low impact exercise – walking, jogging, bicycling, low impact aerobics – and a well-balanced diet will shorten this phase and reduce the severity of the symptoms. Irritability, depression, anxiety, mood swings, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, short attention span, nightmares, insomnia, fatigue, and headaches are some of the normal recovery symptoms of the emotional augmentation stage.

6) Covert Cravings: 28-35 days. Secrets and bad judgments characterize this phase. Craving is not as strong on a regular basis but one may have periodic strong cravings and not want to admit it for various reasons. Thinking it is a sign of weakness, poor moral character, that they are not working a good program, that they simply should not be having cravings. Generally, the cravings are of a low level, e.g. euphoric recall (glorifying war stories), vivid dreams that trigger cravings upon awakening, or just general mild drug hunger. Without someone to talk with concerning these normal protracted withdrawal symptoms, they can evolve into high level cravings, e.g. acute drug hunger, drug seeking behavior, obsession and on to compulsion. Again the need for a support system is strongly recommended.

7) Cue Conditioning: 35 days upward. Cue conditioning – referred to as triggers – could be money, anger, disappointment, music, a film, or extreme joy. Anything strongly associated with using could cue/trigger a craving. The strength of these cue cravings will diminish in time but continue on for years although becoming few and far between. They can catch a person off guard and evolve into higher level cravings. Again, a long term support plan for sobriety AA/NA or recovery support group is recommended to alleviate these natural manifestations.

It is a normal part of recovery to have strong cravings due to acute withdrawal 3-7 days and then continued cravings at a lower level well into protracted withdrawal 6 months-2 years. Time and severity of protracted withdrawal depend upon type, amount, and frequency of drug used. Again, a program of good nutrition and low impact exercise can alleviate these normal recovery symptoms.

Please note that behavioral symptoms: compulsion, obsession, loss of control over time, place, amount used and continued use despite adverse consequences are secondary symptoms of the disease process. With continued treatment of the disease with abstinence and a good support system, these behavioral symptoms will diminish to normal discussions over time.

The above information was provided to a friend of a friend of mine in 2000 while he was in detox for crack cocaine addiction, and she recently emailed me a copy when she learned I was going to write about crack and homelessness. Thanks, friend. :)

>> See also, “What You Need To Hear About Crack Cocaine”

789 comments on “The 7 Stages of Crack Cocaine Use

  1. Jacqueline March 31, 2014 12:33 am


  2. michael March 31, 2014 1:49 am

    I can understand akot of what your saying with in the regards to the rez i live in manitoba in the north end were most of the population is abiriginal by descent and i too understand the full effect that the aboriginal people must suffer due to the abuse from the goverment the abuse from there own people as well as the abuse from themselfs i cant even start to understand were this even started ( abiriginal misconception 0 i even cant belive that the goverment can even look the other way i have many ideas to why but i would perfer to leave that in the back of my mind in worry i put myself accross as an ignorent person let alone in stoping you from coming here due to my own oppinion but as for the gay thing no i am not gay it was a point on how so many belive i am gay because of how i bring myself across example of that is i am to talkitive i am to emmotional i seem to be more mother like when it comes to children and i also am to comferting as a man ( steriotype ) i am to be strong not cry not feel emotions not even say i have a weakness but when i was goibng to a program in order to understand the sexual abuse that i was effected by it was this program that brought up the abuse my brother did to his own kid and even this program that showed me how it effected me more then myself oh what a burden we all must hold and to this day my brother does not even admit it nor does he even acknoladge his kid that i must say i brought to his face his response to me was you are crazy this isnt my kid well low behold he hurt his own son again right in front of him he grabed ahold of me his uncle and just started to cry since months later from that day i have not even seen my nephew nor have i even heard how he was thank god for facebook i looked him up and well what i see on his page he is folowing the street life oh boy anopther burdon onto my shoulders of the thought that i could have changed this path if only i did not sell drugs while raising him but that is then now is now and well life goes on my main point is to you congrads for trying to help others on the rez that you live on but i must ask are you useing drugs my gut tells me yes , why are you on this page???? i know it is for some answer you are hoping to find on this site but what is it realy for i am ahappy you told me the most you have heck more then others on this site i feel privliged to have recived that . now this said i cant realy put much into the rez point since iam not aboriginal nor live on a rez and i also know it is very hard to leave a place you call home a place were all things are paid for even jobs up there but one must ask themselfs if were i live i keep getting abused were i live i cant leave the street like live the abuse the pain the biwilderment heck even the lies why would one stay ??? i know it is your culture but sometimes it is like the person that kept hitting a wall sooner or later ya just got to stop . one way i can say to you is to get a good education leave the rez obtain a job a look ahead of life or better yet talk to the chief pf the resourve and ask him for guidence . do you do smuges ?? do you do sweat lodges ?? if so ask the spirits for guidence i belive thay will listen but that is as much as i can say and no i am not gay till next time jaquline may your night bee good and may your days be full

  3. Jacqueline March 31, 2014 3:41 am


  4. michael March 31, 2014 11:24 am

    i belive this site can help all give em the link saz will help or sharon i well dont think i am qualifyed to do anything on that one but either way take care

  5. Jacqueline March 31, 2014 1:22 pm


  6. Shaz April 1, 2014 6:27 am

    Ere we r again! F,,k he only took my phone ov me 4 a weekend& can’t belive all the posts,mind blowin!al ur life at minute feels mirrored to mine,stayed at my daughter weekend done a lot of crying,first time I’ve Eva been away from my husband,didn’t like it what’s so Eva,just said you do it&him not babysitting your kids(not sure if he left them(got a new m/c ) I want out,get to loose my ome, am I scared of being on my own no,have I relied on him yes will it b hard, is he the only one,I’ve told my darkest secrets yes,my fears yes!this morning when my body shaking&him crying, he says I look old,when he says no one will love me like he does,there won’t be, but then again no one has ever treated me so bad like he as,all bout him,his got a lot of secret cards&debts,have got plans,but feel like again my body lets me down,nerves,high blood pressure,lost weight,as most on ere say now about our upbrings!mine was so shit, I tried overdosin, self harming from about age 12, but that’s nothin compared to the hurt I’m hurtin now,&give told him this,al babe look at the peace u have now ! He may come clean May not, look at your health?my husband now gone bk to calling me sweetheart,look wots happened to us! Kills me fought so long against crack, but won us me,I told my daughter I feel like an addict, al I’m sure gal if you had your daughter she would tell you like mine does, look how strong u used to b, they take the fight out off us, love u Sharon u stuck in there, but your husband now must be a good man, but you are strong to say afta 2 yrs, if he fails then it’s over,u gal av got ur strength back!ali we will Neva get that, cuz we have only loved them but love hurts!do we die b4 them?wot we go throu? Jacqueline gal my heart goes out to you,but as Michael says u need to get out of there love!ive been raped,u say you

  7. Shaz April 1, 2014 6:44 am

    For some reason could not write anymore….so sorry,I’ll carry,Bbz as said woz raped by x,I became a counsellor for rape victims&domesic violence,I want to help women like you do,but u got to save you gal,still help fr the outside,I’m from uk so I’m sorry,bout my slang,but Sharon loves it,she talks ow I write it lol,think it great how addicts post on ere, I think if we say on ere how we feel, opefully something will give not to hurt there loved ones,but it’s great to Michael &theothers to guide us! Life carries on, feel stuck in hell,but will have crack out my life,he can find Anotha enabler,he said to me last week, I don’t want anyone else to have him,good luck to themxxxxxx thankyou to everyone on ere xxxx

  8. Michele ( April 1, 2014 10:22 am

    I saw this quote yesterday: “What you put up with, you end up with.” It really made me think.

  9. Shaz April 1, 2014 11:35 am

    Thankyou 4 that Michelle but my hubby a devious crack head that had nothin when e met me!ouse we live in I put most in,made it my ome,think it is a thing from childhood moving house to house,don’t no,sorry that’s a lie,cuz we did,thought I was shielding my sisters&brothers,sisters rember a lot of things,feel let them down big time,I’m again on my arse cause don’t know wot his gona do next,don’t want him no more.fell outa love with him long time ago!but I c a future wiv out him&hi pray 4 that day,like Joan did it.angela doin it,just not gona let him win!if I didn’t. Care about my loved ones around me would be so easy to walk away with nothing, & think fuck it, I’m a nice person gettin stronger,!sorry to off load,but u lot r the only ones that understand,&this is y I love you all xxxxx

  10. al April 2, 2014 12:33 am

    Thank you for the support J and M! It really helps to know there are people there that mean well and not out to get ya J which is a terrrible way to live and feel. Living on the Rez and I also knew what you meant because I am from Montana and they are in various parts of Montana. People used to say to me that many Indians on the res were alcoholics and it is sad to think that it is a hard way to live, to be brought up and to suffer what you have. I agree with the advice that Michael gave you and if you can get outta there, get a good education and do something else with your life and close that door to open a lot of others would be a terrific route to go.

    I also am afraid for you Michael to connect with your brother as he is what brought you down. Am glad you will be able to right some wrong hopefully with the courts coming up and the welfare of your nephew. It will do wonders for you to help him from any further abuse.

    I leave you both with high hopes that we can take some great advice given here to help you J and that you will agree and not just say it is impossible to get away from there as nothing is impossible if you really want to! Same with stop using….not impossible to do so.

    Well, take good care you both. Thanks for being there for me. I am getting stronger, but did go to buy a sleeping pill because this has been really hard to think clearly without sleeping. He is still calling daily, and I still cry hearing some of the things he says in tears talking to me. It is so so sad ….to not be able to be with the person that you love because they are a drug addict. He says he is doing great. Says he is going to be getting out and on to a half way house, and then they help him find a job and that is in another 8 days….like a total of 2 and a half weeks, maybe 3. I find that a pretty short time to be released from a rehab. I just hope he is not conning them as he will only be hurting himself. I thought he would need years of therapy and they say he has done so well with tests that they give them and he is passing all and even one at 98 percent. He has always had a low self esteem like a lot of you is what I read, and realize. But I always believed he was smart and not stupid like his teachers made him out to be. He suffered at the hands of stupid teachers in a foreign country. So whether on a Res, in a bad city neighborhood, another country where the family had few or little resources….again….My mom (not grandmother) used to say and although I suffered at the hand of her beating me…she often gave good advice…You make your bed, you lie in it. So I say people if you want to stop suffering, make a change for the better. IF you continue to wallow in it you will continue in pain and suffering.

    All the best to you all. Much spiritual guidance, love, health and welfare for you and those that are by your side or want to be by your side that can be healthy for you. If they are not going to do you well, by all means get the heck away from them!

  11. A.P. April 2, 2014 12:38 am

    The young lady might have been a lighting rod,but Im gonna miss her.

  12. al April 2, 2014 1:20 am

    I agree with you A.P. and whether she knows it or not….she still needs us…because she is carrying a world of hurt and it just doesn´t go away that fast. Still waiting to hear what you think A.P. about whether I should go back if he cleans up his act and stops using crack, or anything as he says he even stopped smoking cigarettes too.

    Shaz…just saw what you wrote. How you know how all of us feels and Michael too just blows me away! I so feel for you because as you say…we are going through the same stuff. I am hurting for you because your man says a lot that hurts you and my ex bf did the same when he was using. Fear of losing me and even tried to fatten me up so that no one would want me….and would say that no one will want you at your age. And only I am going to be able to take care of you when you get older and you need me and stuff like that. Trying to make you feel like we won´t make it without them. It is that THEY are worried about not being able to make it without us! Don´t let your husband con you any longer. You are so much more. If he has other cards and you are still married you are liable for half his debts…normally anyway….don´t know the laws in the UK. But if this is so….then you need to get a seperation as soon as possible for that reason alone because if they get to be too much….then I don´t know if you would lose your house. YOU NEED TO CHECK THIS ALL OUT and quickly before he goes owing any more Shaz! You and I know that they are not debts that you racked up….but it doesn´t matter if you are legally married…normally you are half responsible. If he came to the marriage with nothing….this could be the reason that he came with nothing. You must be very careful. They do not care how much they love us, or how much they hurt us, or leave us owing other people when we had nothing to do with it, and some people aren´t even talking to me now. Some won´t give me credit anymore after I had been able to put things on credit for years, cause I always paid it off at the start of every month. Now I lost that right for my crack head ex boyfriend. Does he care? If he did….he would do his utmost to pay it off as soon as he could but has he….guess we will see to be fair to him.

    When I say should I give him another shot …since we do love each other so much? I did tell him I did not want him at my home again. That I could not trust him and did not want him here. He said he knew this already and that is why he made plans to go to a half way house and cried and said he missed me so much and that he would never love anyone as much as me and that even the pastor and others said that God will most likely put us together again if he could stay clean because they had never heard a person his age so in love with a woman ever! I know he is not lying about this….and this may sound like bragging but most men if not all really have never stopped loving me. But Vini is crazy nuts about me and does think about me….and that is why it is so hard for me to be apart from him because I have never met a man I have been so connected with and happy with when he was clean. But will he remain clean and that is the fear I have to ever risk this again as you say Shaz I am FREE. Free to not have to worry (even though I still do), free to see who I want when I want, go where I want, work as much or as little that I want, and not to have to babysit him wasting time and energy, not have to hide things with the fear he might sell them, not have to worry about how I have to replace things he has sold or destroyed as he has a destructive behavior within himself. Now he says he has learned to love himself that God has shown him a path and that the crack way is total distruction and and I am so confused. Yes, like you Shaz. But one thing I do know. Don´t think you can´t make it on your own because you CAN! My finances are looking better and I need to think of ME now. Just like Angela, and Joan has done and I am sure they are both feeling much better. I want to stick with my good man like Sharon B. but I don´t think I have the strength that Sharon B. has. I just don´t have the energy to stay on him. And to be honest with you all….I am sick and tired of staying on it….trying to keep control of his behavior to not go use. I did not choose for him to use, I did not cause him to use, I wasn´t even there or in his life when he started using, I did not choose this life, he did. I don´t want it. I want the good man I saw in him. I miss that man a lot….but if he is going to fly in and fly out and be good, then be bad, and this repetitive, merry go round and round and round….I just can´t do it anymore. I gave all I could give to him and more and my life and health is also important. And so is yours Shaz. Don´t believe what he says. Look into your heart, your head and your soul. Write a list of pros of staying with him, and of cons of staying with him. BE HONEST with yourself when you do it and if one outweighs the other huge…you will know which action to take. AND DO IT! You say you don´t ov him anymore. Am I right¨? If you don´t ov him anymore then what are you doing…staying with him?…Or am I reading this wrong? You are just so sweet Shaz and being such a good person will bring you more good in your life if you choose it to be so without him. I hope you do what is best for you. It is NOW YOUR TURN! Just like it is now my turn. WE have done much more than any other woman would for our men. I have asked my ex if the table was turned….would YOU be able to put up with me¨? And for how long? He said NO, I would not have lasted as long as you have with me. I am sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, do you hear the broken record? I have heard sorry so many times that it is now a very empty word for me. ACTIONS is everything to me now. Words are weak with regards to an addict. Weak are they too and yes, you begin to feel like them too….weak as well. So we must be strong as all the partners on this site have told us. I am trying to remain strong….but it is hard and you know this Shaz. I DO STILL LOVE MY EX A LOT! I never have told you all of the good, the great things he has done for me, shared with me and much more….but that is for another day.

  13. A.P. April 2, 2014 11:09 am

    Well shes gonna need SOMEBODY if not necessarily us. So i will keep her in my prayers.
    I am in the middle of moving now al, and we all know how stressful that can be! #$#@!$%$!!!! So I haven’t forgotten about you. When does he get out of rehab?

  14. al April 2, 2014 3:38 pm

    Thank you A.P. He supposedly gets out in a week (then goes to a half way house) and wants to see me. This morning he called and did not let me speak….the me, me, me, thing and I was trying to say that it doesn´t sound like you are ready to get out quite yet….being that this is so(the me, me, me thing and still trying to manipulate me into seeing him, and his physical reactions- still detoxing). And if you really want this, then don´t try to fool yourself or anyone else as you are a manipulator and you are still showing signs of trying to manipulate me because I know you want to see me. Not to push the time of recovery and take it step by step as to how you need to deal with it. He is still vomiting every day trying to detox and this is now been going on for a week!!! MANY YEARS OF USING CRACK and other substances, PEOPLE. He is even afraid his body will never recover from this(and still says he may die) and so I let him know that his poor little body (as he is not a well built hunk of a man) can no longer take this kind of abuse and that he won´t die because it is a strong body if he no longer abuses it. He is a skinny runt, not too short, but not real tall either. I said…If you really want this and are going to do this, and for the right reasons….don´t you think you should do what it takes? And not go fooling yourself just to get out early? He was angry with me. And again I felt like a dope, a person who might be sabotaging his recovery by what I said because he was not at all happy with me! One just doesn´t know what line to walk with an addict and it is so confusing for me and I never know if I am doing the right thing or not. I try to be quiet and just listen. But when the tale told signs seem the same ….I just can´t be false and not have him realize the truth to try to help him. I felt terrible. Did I screw up? I don´t want him mad at me! I want to be supportive and helpful, but not a hypocrite either just saying yeah Good job when I don´t THINK SO!

    Anyway, he went to the Pastor and told him how he felt about what I had said and the Pastor asked if it was true. Are you a Manipulator, are you just trying to get out early? Don´t you think she has a point if she wants to see you get well and thinks you are just trying to get out early to see her? Do you really want to be well and be able to see her clearly with each step by step need you NEED to take as she said? He phoned me back to tell me this all excited and how I really was right and how this helped him so much, and that it was true and he felt good fessing up, and that he was happy that I can always be so honest with him, and like this whole GOD thing and spirtual stuff and prayers and stuff are now the new drug. Is it in the make up of an addict to have to be addicted to something? He has quit smoking cigarettes too. I am just worried that maybe this is just a new ride….and once it wears off, what is next?

    I will have a chance to get answers to all of these questions when I will be showing up to a meeting his mom told me about with her. A two hour bus ride with her there and back and for me an added half hour drive each way to meet the bus. I will once again be staying over night at his dad´s house. It is so nice they have all accepted me finally and KNOW that I have their sons best interest at heart. They have been pretty closed people, and I am sure part of the reason for this has been that they did not want neighbors or anyone knowing this about their son. However, now that everyone knows and I say why hide it? Maybe that has made him not confront it? Anyhow…am glad I will have the opportunity to understand how to deal with a drug addict, have questions answered at his place of rehab(and it will be a nice surprise for him to get to see me early). Thank you GOD for this opportunity. I often bear my soul to all of you as I had no where else to turn to and so it is so nice that his mom informed me of this and invited me! Phew, now I may not have to write so frequently bugging all of you with wordy messages. Take great care and your thoughts and opinions STILL mean a lot to me…so carry on when you can and let us all know what you think of each of our postings (look forward to yours A.P.-no pressure and no hurry ok. seriously…am so glad you and Micheal are contributing here as it is so important for us all, as we look forward to reading them! What happened to Ray and Paul E and some of the others? Don´t think I have forgotten you, and many others am sure are concerned for you. I also want to hear how Deb, and how Angela is doing as she is going out on her own for the first time. Hugs and strength and best regards to all! Al

  15. A.P. April 3, 2014 2:34 am

    “Once upon a time a father took his young son to the zoo. While making the rounds of all the beautiful and exotic animals, They wandered upon the Majestic African Elephant. With a childs constant curiosity, the son noticed the Elephant was held by a rope around his enormous leg. So the son asked his father, dad how can something so small hold something so big? The father was completely baffled.Here is this massive beast.20,000 pounds of brute strength.Being restricted by a mere rope. I dont know son, he replied. Tell you what,lets go see if we can find out.So they set out to find the head Zoo-keeper. When they found him the father said, Sir, my son and I were curious, How is it possible to control the Mighty African Elephant with a small rope? The Zoo-keeper smiled slightly and said, ya know it didn’t start out that way. When the elephant was a baby, we put a huge log chain around the same leg the rope is around now. For years he pulled and pulled to the point of exhaustion. As the years continued to pass, he began to pull less and less. Until finally, he stopped pulling. Sure you and I know that elephant is full grown now and can snap that rope like a string. But he doesn’t”.

    You will find certain analogies to this little story sprinkled throughout my “OPINION” in relation to your situation. Now straight off the top, let me say the answer is already in YOU. The battle lies between your heart and your head.What I Will attempt to do is maybe help you separate the two in order to make your choice a little clearer. In order for me to offer up the best that I can give you, I decided to do a little research. I went back into the chosenfast archives and read and in some cases re-read some of your older comments.(with my short attention span and your long winded post,this was a challenge! lol).I also read or re-read some of Sharons.Why Sharons? Because her and her husband are exceptions to the rule.And I THANK GOD THERE ARE EXCEPTIONS LIKE HER AND HER HUSBAND. this gives us all hope.In most cases these relationships
    fail.Not opinion,fact. Is it because the overwhelming majority of addicts who leave
    rehab (not to mention leave early) don’t stay clean? Again, not opinion fact. But that
    is only half the equation. This is a good time for me to say,as you ladies have opened
    my eyes as to what life is like on the other side of the fence.I can only share my
    experience.So, lift up those ovaries and hang on.Because you may or may not like some of what you hear.But I RESPECT YOU TOO MUCH TO SUGARCOAT.From all the help you have given me and others,I owe you a better voice than that. Now, this is what I came away with from those old post. You are an intelligent, articulate, caring, talented woman who has a passion for squeezing every ounce out of this dance called life.You also ultra sensitive, easily offended(real or imagined) with a tendency to over-react.Just like me.The addict.We are both egomaniacs with an inferiority complex.These are red flags for me.Whereas Sharon seems a little more seasoned than us.A little more even keeled.A little more logic driven.I referred to myself because I don’t know your boyfriend personally nor Sharon’s husband.I said all that to say this,If you Both are really committed to this relationship. I suggest he commit to a year in a halfway house after rehab this will give you both time to reevaluate each other.Slowly.In my case the man my wife fell in love did not really exist.Because I was a closet smoker when we met. She fell in love with the illusion that I PRESENTED. So ask your self this hard question, then ask him, ARE WE WORTH ONE YEAR OF HEALING TO EACH OTHER? Take Care Al, Hope We Chat Soon

  16. A.P. April 3, 2014 3:23 am

    I should add this footnote. I do understand the fact that i don’t know you or Sharon personally either. I just took a shot in the dark based on what you share with us and how you share with us. o.k.?

  17. Shaz April 3, 2014 4:59 am

    Jacqueline ,I do ope u come back to us you sound on your own,not good,there’s always somebody on this site,that will reply to ur post,so don’t be on your own,think we have had people come&go on this site,truthfully,ere to help!Ap how did the move go?like your post,al think you are gona giv your man anotha chance,know. How u feel about good times the special times,the connection,I can see my husband hurting,yesterday he ask for cuddle,I could not,my mind& body seem to reject him&I can’t help it,don’t think he will screw me over wiv his debts,I feel don’t care at minute,got advice he can’t make me sell,I had a nite book away for Saturday,cancelled it &lost money,got dressed this morning,done hair&even put make up on(done my husband)got u look really nice,my reply look better if put weight on,can’t cry no more,no tears left, his my soul m8,bestfriend&ill Neva love anotha like him! But at present lost my mojo,ask myself will it Eva come bk,I don’t no, will my love for him just die,don’t know?but feel ok in myself&thats good,summits got to give but I don’t know what,love to everyone that comes to the site,y does this site make me want to say god bless lol feel like a church go”a xxxx

  18. al April 3, 2014 12:46 pm

    A.P. I am totally FLOORED by your response! IT IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! I can see you put a lot of work researching, thinking profoundly, and giving the BEST advice and stats with regards to rehabs, reform, and relapsing and your concern and love for me….all is outstanding and has brought tears to my eyes that a complete (well not now :-) stranger could read me loud and clear and my situation as well. Only a truly caring individual would have put so much thought into my situation and that comes from a lot of love and care and concern for others by a very special person who chose to help and by doing so….you will be rewarded and blessed-this I am sure of so hang on for you will be going to go for a beautiful ride in life if you can continue to do this and be this wonderful person that you have just shared with me. You are a surprising revelation for me that so much is inside of you that has come out as a true gift for us all and I hope that others around you can see, feel and share the real you that you have just shared as you are INCREDIBLE!

    I am not trying to be a cheerleader here. I am a very real, honest and caring person who as you say is very sensitive and when my sensitive side has been touched so deeply as it has with your well thought out and stupendous response I can only want to share with you something that I thought I never could or would and in a few posts from you …getting to know you better is going to allow me to do so and again….please don´t get upset for my expressing true feelings and thoughts and worry I had for you A.P. as this share with you will be able to help many others, as well as yourself.

    Each post almost I share what my mom from a deprived childhood told me….IT DOES NOT MATTER WHERE YOU COME FROM, IT IS WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR LIFE THAT MATTERS. SHE ALSO WOULD SAY….YOU MAKE YOUR BED, YOU LIE IN IT!

    A.P. after you shared your childhood with us it made me sad, mad and scared for you. But I shared that miracles can happen. I swear I believe you are a miracle. Why was I sad for you?….Because you came into this world as an innocent child and was dealt a really bad hand of cards where you aren´t even able to remember when your southern relatives began to introduce you to moonshine and my fear was that if you didn´t remember, it was because they probably did give you booze for toothaches, crying, whatever and the damage that can be done to a little ones brain to function to optimum level when they grow up is never going to be what it may have been …and drugs and alcohol destroys brain cells and this is a fact. As a pregnant mother I chose not to drink at all as I read articles about …what is it called when you could be poisoning your baby by abusing alcohol? It is called fetal alcohol syndrome and FASD is the disorders that come from them. I am pretty sure you are aware of this as you are quite an intelligent man so do not, please do not ….sell yourself short! None of you on here should as we ALL have something special to offer….but hard to do so with an unclear mind from continued us of crack, alcohol or other drugs. Yes, people relapse, but one must breathe that they want to quit with every breath and be able to use the power and intelligence which is within them before losing it for good like my friend Randall that I have mentioned before on these posts. YES, don´t think it can´t happen.

    A.P. and all that you suffered with the poor examples and behavior from your mother, as well as many of your relatives would be extremely confusing and unnerving for an innocent child. Then with no good role models what were you supposed to do….so do not feel guilty….do what you can NOW to right the wrongs that happened to you. You must have had some good role models since, yes? There must have been one or more afterward for you to show us this miracle of you….the person who observes first, does his homework and then concisely makes his thoughts and feelings known (only if he values the person or feels what he has to say is worth sharing) impresses the hell out of me! I am an educated woman and I cannot express myself as concisely or as well as you! I can see why you have hated women and that must be a deep set issue with you and I can see why with what has happened to you from someone that you should be able to trust more than anyone and could not and this person should have been the best care giver to you ever…. and was not, and I can see why you would blame her for what has happened to you. Do not blame her, as she too probably had no good examples either, and most likely the same exact things happened to her and not knowing any better … the cycle repeats and repeats itself. But you my friend, have broken the mold! If not totally, then it is TIME to move on and do all that you can do and be….because I am telling you, yes, telling you…that there is so much within you that needs to be shared with others! I now only pray and wish that you let go of who hurt you, who did not think of your future (as I don´t think these people were even capable to do so, and most likely lived day to day or hour to hour). You need to feel sorry for them as they too have suffered!

    I too, not as an addict, but in love with an addict….suffer every day all who are on here regularly can see from the posts that I share. Don´t fool yourselves ….those of you that are addicts and think that YOU are the only one that suffers with this deadly, yes…deadly disease are wrong and I needed your help and wisdom A.P. to give me some honest, in the face outstanding advice and suggestions. My ex boyfriend is STILL throwing up and they believe he most likely will have permanent damage to his internal organs from so much drug and alcohol abuse. But he chose that life, and you did not choose to have what happened to you A.P. as a child done to you. WHAT YOU CHOSE NOW PEOPLE IS WHAT YOU CAN NOW CHANGE. But now is time for you A.P. to make the most of yourself ….FOR YOURSELF to enjoy the rest of your life, TO LET GO of the past, and to be STRONG because not only do you NEED THIS REAL BEAUTIFUL MAN, YOU (or do you like to continue to suffer and poor me for the rest of your life??? And something for all addicts to ask themselves, break the mold people! ….When are you going to stop beating yourselves up?)!!! But obviously WE TOO, NEED THE YOU A.P. !

    You can do so much for the world with your experiences, your knowledge, how you deal with the disabilities(even the lack of trust of women-as I too, have been screwed over by so many men in my life and to the point of hating men for 10 yrs of my life….only to realize hating them, or anyone did ME no good at all) that your upbringing caused, and you could even become a motivational speaker in the south to the young people where you originated from….to help OTHERS break the mold. Just saying, because what ever you do, and I don´t know what it is (or do I A.P.?…Oh, my head injury, please try to remember this ha ha, we both are in trouble with that one, that I often forget who is who, what people do and even their stories…so please do not hold this against me ) that you do, but whoever has you as an employee or if you are self employed, your customers and friends are very very lucky! I can´t thank you enough for your kindness, thoughtfulness, your turn around in how you viewed me as a person, and to offer so much to me has really helped lighten the load and you are spot on as they say in Queens English! SPOT ON! Biggest HUG I can ever give you and hope you really feel it (ha, I know you will)! THANK YOU! And you need not worry what damage has occurred in the past, because what you have to work with now, and who you are now can show that miracles I said that I believe in really exist! Now I don´t feel like I have to worry about you either! What you have shared with us has been a lesson, and inspiration for us all. Yes, you are one of those miracles! OWN IT my friend :-)

  19. A.P. April 3, 2014 1:56 pm

    got the theme song from Rocky 2 playin in my head!(eye of the tiger!) think i will go hit the gym!!!!!!!!!!!! THANKS AL

  20. michael April 3, 2014 2:52 pm

    thank you al for your response i am hoping like you J does the right thing for her life as for my brother the one i was talking to you about was my brother in law whom is a great guy a great father step father to his kids and is all and all upstanding i can see how you would be worried hence i am not fully cured from this drug and i know this when i was in the city i had a craving on going back to crack even wanted to knock on that ex friends door was gonna to but i fought tooth and nail with my mind and instead dropped 150 on clothes and 100 on supper take out at my brother in laws house so in total i spent 250 and not on crack so dont worry there al i am still fighting the good fight against crack and i hope everyone else who is fighting this drug is doing fine also

  21. al April 3, 2014 10:54 pm

    You are welcome Rocky and thank YOU! Michael, I am so proud of you. Aren´t you? Do you realize how well you did by doing the right thing and fighting that demon off! Can you see how strong you CAN BE!? I know it is hard and I can´t even imagine the strength that must of took. I still don´t think you should be going to the city yet. I so want you to be so strong and stay strong long enough to have been away from it– long enough that the urge to see your crack buddy or even go there… would not be in the slightest way a thought in your head. That is when you should go back, when you are that able. (Remember when you relapsed and you were so sad and bummed about it and it was with this same guy right?…don´t even think about it and if it pops in your head…do like you did …get busy shopping for clothes, do that new hobby or study for a class or get out hiking into naure…whatever it takes to mind off the demon. But I guess…how would you know unless you did go there if you would even be tempted….but then you have already done this before remember…so best not to go back to the city for awhile….choose another rural area to visit why don´t ya? I wonder why you did go though….are you tempting fate? Is there a part of you that wants to keep destroying yourself or make you suffer more? I don´t mean to be harsh Michael cause I love you my bud….but GET OVER IT! Stay away from those old haunts, be with the good people as you did choose and yes, you did right by me but this is not about me. It is about having a life, a good clean life my friend. You need not go anywhere near where you could mess that up. Ok? Love ya Michael and am so glad you chose right from wrong….just don´t go tempting yourself again, ok? Choose a new life like you have! Stay away from the old life and it will be easier ….as you are one of the few people that I know that is really trying to BREAK THE PATTERN, YOU ARE LIVING DIFFERENTLY NOW and that took balls. Excuse me, but I needed to get that point across. YOU HAVE MOVED, YOU HAVE CHANGED JOBS, YOU ARE HANGING OUT WITH WHOLESOME PEOPLE THAT DON¨T CONSUME…( I HOPE…NOTHING-other than at work where you have to serve drinks!) and have you taken on a new hobby, or a new class to learn something new? I hope you are getting in touch with your spiritual side whatever it may be for you…if only nature…and get out there in NATURE and give THANKS every minute of every day, that you don´t consume day by day be thankful. From me Michael, thanks a lot for giving us all hope! You are doing great and keep doing great! HUGS!!! Your caring friend, Al

  22. sandy April 4, 2014 9:55 am

    I hate to see Jacqueline leave this forum. Hopefully she will return and continue to share her views.

    Michele, thanks for the quote!

    Michael, congratulations on fighting the urge and winning that battle of the war. If you approach every battle with the same determination, you will win! Stay strong!

    I still have a brother who is very angry at me. However, I have made it clear to him that I will not tolerate his rude behavior towards me. So I guess he has chosen to say nothing to me, as opposed to hurling profanities at me when he speaks to me, and I’m OK with that.

  23. michael April 4, 2014 2:39 pm

    thank you sandy for your encouraging words and understanding , I to hate to see Jacqueline leave this fourum and at such a bad time to i really believed we had a chance to help her , help her win whatever daemon she is fighting and to even show to her that even thow you live on the rez and every were you look it is a battle against alcohol against consumed anger and even the suspicions of some one out to et you this truly is a hard life to live even if there are nothing but stereotype labels or the battle against a loved one that just wants to hurt , this site could have helped BUT AS THE SAYING goes you can lead a horse to water but you cant force it to drink the water and this goes for humans as well and maybe one day she will come back to this site and even give more of her all then she did before but whatever the case may be my thoughts are on her my prayers and wishes for the best she can have ,

  24. michael April 4, 2014 2:47 pm

    al thank you again for saying how it is and i went to the peg city seas pool to see my brother in law as well as to go to an apointment in the city i know that every day is a battle to do right and i even thought about you when i was about to act on impulse and the thought to have lost you as a friend as a confidant as a savour i could not bear that and so i chose to fight and i am so proud i won , as for me going to the city again i am staying away for awhile as you said why tempt fate why jump before you know what is there these are very much gambling like attitude and i wont succesed if i keep going to the city so for now i choose to be away from there for a few days if not weeks , as for what i have right now is way more then what i had before and this is a new begining a new start and even a chance for new friends , i have made a few aquitences i dont call them friends all the way for to have a true friend one must be able to relate to each other accept them for who thay are and no matter what you do thay still call you a friend minus the fact i dont drink like the ones that come to the bar but any how thank you and i to am feeling more a more closer to you then i have before and as for the others on this site SANDY < SHAZ and SHARON keep it up and keep doing what you have on this site before i came here you all are doing a great job and the care is on this blog

    till next time have a great day may the sun beshining were ever you are and always love who you are

    sincerly: Michael

  25. Shaz April 8, 2014 5:27 am

    Michael your so stong!your going to have days where you have up&down days,we know how hard it is,but as al says stay away from old haunts&old so called friends!keep feeling positive !you are so wise on here with your support,al how’s things with you?sharon gal where you gone lol,things are ok with me,think done husband ova week,leaving not getting in touch,done him,got my money seperate,not paying his debts,he done it,he can pay for them,don’t trust him&he knows this!always love him,but not gona have his bullshit no more!his gona kill my love!cuz had anoth crap just want to be normal,sandy stay strong xxx

  26. al April 8, 2014 4:27 pm

    Wow Shaz! Am I reading this right? You are on your own! Wow! GOOD FOR YOU! Glad you are getting your money separate, not getting in touch (once they do they can manipulate you so bad…like me now), no way in hell to pay his debts, they are his like you say! And I KNOW you can´t trust him….how many times have you tried to trust him? Bet too many to count….like me….impossible, and will NEVER (most likely) ever be able to trust him again! Love is hard and it shouldn´t be this way. I wish the best for your husband….but if this is not enough of a wake up call for him….then you sure did the right thing, are doing the right thing, and KEEP doing the right thing by staying away. You will soon get your life …really on track! My expenses are now nothing compared to what they were with my ex bf around. I still feel for him so much and went the 4 hour round trip to attend what turned out to be an Al Anon meeting with his mom! Yep, I went to one AGAIN and THIS time it was really informative and a very good meeting! They spoke of addiction and the various forms of addiction…not just alcohol, drugs, but porn, internet, gambling, cell phone and texting and sex addictions! All sorts of addictions are out there and they commented that a person with a drug addiction usually has a variety of other addictions as well! How true.

    As for my ex. He is rehabilitating very well…as he has several times before. He is not afraid this time….getting out…so he says. He is going to be completely on his own this time. He spoke in front of the group today regarding his being abused sexually as a child and I think that it gave him much strength as everyone cried and gave him hugs afterward for having the balls to speak about it and start to let it go. I hope this is truly the case and that he can now move on to a better life without carrying that boulder around like Jacqueline mentioned. Many of us have been abused, but we now need to learn to stop abusing ourselves about it, and move on.

    Wishing the very best to you all! Sharon B. hope you are well….I miss hearing your great comments. Same with you Joan. Angela I take it you are doing well on your own since we have not heard from you or Deb lately. Glad you are hanging in their Sandy. By not giving in to your brother…you are then not enabling him either. But keep those doors open for him if he is prepared to get help. Shaz I am blown away that you took this wonderful step for your future. Michael you rock …helping others will help you…but do it on here and not get near those other folks. Hope you are staying strong. Write me please. A.P and Paul E. hope you guys are doing great and keeping it clean. Love to you all and may a higher power be with us all to help in this life and that we help ourselves too. I appreciate you all being on here and those reading(and not commenting on here) that are passing along your good energy to all of us too!

  27. Sharon B April 8, 2014 4:41 pm

    Hey Shaz, Al, Michael, AP, Michele,Sandra, Paul and all others..I am still here. Had a couple of crazy work weeks and just now getting a breather! I am so proud of you Shaz and AL. You guys seem to have finally gotten strong and are doing what is best for YOU! My husband has started therapy again…he cannot let go of the anger and hurt that was inflicted on him as a kid. A close family member abused him for years..female. Is totally disgusting and sick and he needs help in dealing with it. So he started therapy and the therapist says he may be suffering from PTSD. God, things in our childhood are so devastating. I had bad things happen, but I guess because of my personality I was able to say f all of you and move on, but for some it is almost impossible for others. I am not making excuses for the life he chose and the choices he made, but I am empathic to all who suffered so many evil things as kids. It breaks my heart for sure and as I once said, my pain is no less, only I was able to deal. There is a special place in hell for adults that hurt children. I miss J and hope she is ok..sorry she left us but maybe she will be back. So all in all, life is the same. I am going to become a great grandmother next week. My granddaughter is expecting a girl and it is very exciting, although I am way too young for this. But it is exciting none the less. In two years I will be retiring and I can hardly wait. Would go now, but who can afford the insurance, right? So sticking around until 65 so I can at least get Medicare and then going to find a little part time job for extra bucks. Much as I love my husband, I do not think I am ready to spend 24/7 with him…lolololol..anyhow ladies and gents, prayers and love to all. PS>Michael- you are fantastic! Keep it up. I hope for you a long drug free life with lots of love and family and a mission and goal. You are perfect for helping others because you are so compassionate and I love you!

  28. al April 8, 2014 10:08 pm

    Thank you Sharon B, so great to hear from you. I really appreciate what you share with us and your input is so valuable. Your strength and insight and compassion is so worth reading and feeling. :-) And HAPPY GREAT YOUNG GRANDMOTHER TO BE NEXT WEEK!

  29. michael April 9, 2014 7:33 pm

    Thank you sharon for those caring and understanding words as well as the fact you understand a lot of what abuse is like ptsd that is so hard to live with the feeling of being unloved lost alienated to your own skin it just sits inside all of us that has been and still are being abused. it is so weird how humanity handles abuse as i said before and i will say it again how can one person who goes through the pain of abuse turn to one way of venting , to another that just cant deal with the pain and just let go of life completely ?? it is such a mystery and even in our days the understanding of depression was not there i read that those years later when they found out they suffered from depression and they look at there past it went unnoticed for so many years like my self i remember in my past that i always had an empty hole in my heart to the tears that seemed to never dry to just not wanting to eat or even worse having the alienated feeling about themselves and cant even say what was wrong . oh how many times i have looked in that mirror and wondered to myself am i really living this life ??? or is this just some dream that i cant wake up from and i tell you the feeling of this is so hard but we all must go on become strong even learn to deal with the bumps that are in your life . for in every soul is a will to fight a will to live and a unforgettable courage that we all must face day to day and i still have my ups and downs like us all i just keep on trucking and learn that life comes to those who want it need it and fight for it and even thew i may understand lots from what i have been through , being 29 i still have more years to grow years to get to know me more then i ever have before well i am now just rambling and i will talk more to you again Sharon for i love this site i love life and i love the people on this site . AND TO THOSE THAT ARE READERS AND NOT POSTERS I WANT TO TELL YOU !!!!! THAT I BELIEVE IN YOU AND KNOW YOU CAN FIGHT THIS GOOD FIGHT AND HAVE A BETTER LIFE FOR THE WILL TO LIFE IS HUMAN NATURE AND IT LIES INSIDE EACH AND EVERY ONE THAT LIVES . YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND THAT COURAGE AND THE BELIEF IN YOURSELF

  30. michael April 9, 2014 7:37 pm

    hello there al sorry i haven’t been on this blog much i have just been caught up in work that i have become lost in the shuffle i will be writing to you one time but so far been keeping clean doing fine and living life till i send you an email love you care about you and even hope your life is going fine

  31. Shaz April 11, 2014 8:16 am

    Hi to everyone,sittin in my garden in uk,suns out birds singin,lovely&peceful!,al only left 4. Wkend1st time ever done it,he didn’t no where I was!came home ignored him,just said must do that more often&him not sellin or movin out&he can’t make. Me!he said I’ll change(not holdin breath there)got my money,his payin his debts,his stop drinkin,last wk he took me to hotel,&we had a nice night out,back home been lovely,but don’t live in hope!i have a back up plan incase,I feel stronger day by day,I saw a friend last week not seen her in 3years,I was bit of state,shakin stop myself frm cryin,she could not belive how weight I had lost,said our goodbyes and promised to stay in touch,when I had gone she broke down crying!not been in touch,feel if should not have friends,don’t want them to know my husbands a crackhead,hi Michael,you describe your feelings when your depressed,I could of wrote that word for word,as the others say you are doin brilliant,keep it up Bbz,Sharon just found out I’m gona b a grandma in October,&that be two grand kids,&that makes me feel old to lol,rate things are goin my old man won’t be able to smoke his shit,lol,as I put on here I don’t want friends,I’ve got best friends on here!&i love u allxxxxx

  32. Shaz April 11, 2014 11:29 am

    Thinking about joining the police lol!my husband would not show me his bank a/c just said overdrawn from Christmas&to trust him,he keeps sayin don’t know how I’m gona pay my overdraft off,wasn’t payin it cuz deep down I know what he done with his money,look high&low nothin,don’t know how to get into his a/c,but got to trust him(not)he says that lol,god he thinks I’m so stupid ,but the twat Learnt me! Sorry I’m venting,Sharon know u like my slang lol,anyway guess wot?his single bank a/c statement turns up today,do I open it yeah the fuck I do,got outgoings the lot,sittin here feelin good cuz I know wot a lying selfish knob he is,I know him inside out,but hide the papers 4 now,gettin stronger day by day&hi love it,Michael how you felt when depressed is how I have felt from a young age,but made myself stronger I had a son that I could live for,the depression that I have been throu woz caused by the man who deep down loves me,but his addiction hates me,we all been throu it,but I will win!im findin my old self me me me!love u all,Michael u stay strong we all thinking ov u xxxxxxxto all my best friends

  33. Shaz April 11, 2014 5:19 pm

    Ma hubby just been on this site & read wot I wrote, this is :4 u, no I don’t trust u ,think ov ur kids,u don’t giv fuck.wot will wake u up,I’m not movin&not buyin u out,, told u I woz raped by x told u off
    My up bringing but u no excuse u had good upbringing my son in affigstan u still done gear I’ve.had anoth u turn it on me wen ur an addict carry on sorry ventin big time xxx

  34. Sharon B April 11, 2014 5:39 pm

    Shaz you are crazy girl…please take care of yourself as I do woorry about you. and you are right..I love the slang and feel like I am sitting next to you laughing as you say all this. I feel I can hear the words as you are saying them. Now if you would like to have a little fun, read my posts with a slight southern American accent. lol..All is calm and quiet here. Hubby going for second appt. with shrink on Monday. Hope she is able to help him deal with his demons. Michael thinking of you and AP and Paul and AL and all others and pray for a safe drug free weekend. Love to all

  35. al April 14, 2014 12:13 pm

    Hi Shaz and Sharon B and all,

    I just want to say Shaz that I am so glad you feel like we are your friends because YES we are….but doll….you need some other real friends in your face, not just in virtual reality. Why? Because we can´t see you and I worry about your weight that you have mentioned more times than I can remember and if you are so slim your friends need to help you get to…..get some help which we can´t do. Unless you listen to us and get some help yourself! It can cause all sorts of organs to shut down and never be repaired….I know because I had an anorexia friend at Uni who dropped to 75 lbs and if I had not called her mother who really no longer cared….but got in her face and said how would you feel if she DIED? And that she needed to get her in a hospital….ASAP! We can´t see you Shaz and so if your friend was shocked….you need to do something to help yourself! PLEASE do so! As you will not be of any use to help your Grandkids or hubby or anyone in the future if you don´t . As for the hubby….lose the energy you are wasting on him. I would be interested to see how his acct is going, but am pretty sure it is pretty bad if he is still using so much. But YOU NEED TO PUT THE ENERGY YOU WASTE ON HIM ON YOURSELF! He is treating you like a dog or worse! Sorry to say this…and don´t get mad at me….it is only cause I care and I know you know that I know how we are both treated because as you say they LIE! AND THEN THEY LIE SOME MORE! Am glad you had a bit of a getaway! The night out with your hubby was just him trying to smooth things over….Vini did this all the time and STILL does….it becomes a habit of theirs, trying to make amends…but it is short lived …believe me!

    Remember when I told all of you that it was the weed my bf was jonsing for…. ? And yes, he recently told me it was because he was so strung out because he was STILL USING CRACK! He finally told me the truth, because now that he has found GOD and is going to rehab meetings and just gotten out of a 15 day rehab…he says he does not have to lie to anyone and seems (SEEMS as I don´t and can´t believe him about ANYTHING anymore after this!) like he has no interest in ever touching ANY drug again. His body can´t take it. He has lost the sight in one of his eyes almost completely. His stomach is always in turmoil. But what about me Shaz, and YOU? I have been living a LIE! I believed he was not using and told others he wasn´t ….which makes me what? A LIAR TOO! I hate liars and I have begun to hate myself in believing in others ….especially a person that I love and gave my heart and soul and so much more too! I am now realizing that my whole life with him has been LIES! It makes me feel sick! REALLY; REALLY SICK! I feel so demoralized and dirty! My heart is acting up again. He has one more night here and then he is going into a 45 day half way house treatment center where he gets therapy 3 times a day. I am just sick over all of this and was just getting to be happy….and even tho it wasn´t a normal happy, but a reserved happy….it was a happy none the less.

    I too am proud of Michael….he is really sincere and is staying off the drugs and just wants to be happy, free of the crap in his life and on with his life and treating others correctly! Big changes and he did it with his own strength a little help from his dad and his dad´s friend that I hope he will treat with ultra respect, kindness and help when they need it and even if they don´t or just by remaining clean is enough to show his appreciation. I love the guy too Sharon B and Shaz as he is one of the real no BS people in this world and he deserves the best!

    Now you Shaz….take care of yourself and Sharon B. I would be interested to know if your husband thinks the therapy is helping or ? ….Don´t need to know the details just if he thinks it is helping him. Just interested is all…..because for your info Shaz as you do not wish for people to know about your hubby….and all that think they are hiding it from others….well, all I can do is tell you my ex bf story. His mom and I made it to Alanon because she finally realized by hiding the fact that her son was a drug addict (even to herself, not confronting it with him either)….DID HIM NO GOOD AT ALL AND WHO WAS SHE HIDING IT FROM ANYWAY??? EVERY ONE IN HIS NEIGHBORHOOD SINCE I BROKE UP WITH HIM AND WENT BACK THERE RECENTLY HAS TOLD ME HOW LOST HE HAS BEEN FOR A LONG TIME! WITHOUT MY MENTIONING A WORD OF HIS ADDICTION…..THEY ALL TOLD ME! And said that I would be better without him! Now that his mom and the rest of his family and nor I, are hiding it anymore has helped HIM realize that he is an addict and can now confront it! I don´t think you are doing your husband any good trying to hide it Shaz as they then also try to hide it themselves! But then everyone´s situation is different. I just think if you hide it, they feel like hiding it too and begin believing they have no problem and thus they never confront it head on is all. Just my thought….would love to hear from other addicts if this can be true or not or when you could confront the issue of being a drug addict. Or if you haven´t or won´t confront it….what would it take TO be able to confront it? MY ex bf´s mind was so gone that he couldn´t remember anything. And since he could start to confront it realizing this, and realizing he won´t have a brain left to be even able to make the decision to quit if he kept using, has helped wake him up.

    Please pray for Vini because he is struggling to free himself of this addiction even though he knows he will remain an addict forever….just not a consuming one with everyone´s prayers please as they have truly helped and THAT is another good reason for people to confront this demon because when they do….the prayers from others are amazing and how they help really works! Love sharing with you and please Shaz don´t get upset with what I shared here today….just watching your back,….(front, innerds, etc) as good friend´s should do! DRINK A BIG MALTED MILK SHAKE ON ME::::CAUSE JUST LOOKING AT ONE MAKES ME GAIN WEIGHT::::wish I could share my weight with you girlfriend. Am also having to work on this, as it is not good to be overweight either for one´s health. Am trying, I really am.

    Hugs and strength to all and for those of you remaining clean I continue to applaud you and keep going as it is the only way to go…onward and upward and never go backwards! XOXOXO
    Al (Am a woman for those who don´t know me….it is just a psuedo name)

  36. Sharon B April 14, 2014 1:29 pm

    Al, as always you are spot on. My husband at his second therapy session now. Can’t wait for him to get home so he can share with me how it went. You know ladies, I always try to have a positive outlook on everything, but damn, some days I just want to chuck it all. I wonder if I ever will be able to trust him again. You would think after almost two years I would, but nope. I still am waiting for other shoe to fall. And he is such a freakin’ mess…bad teeth, tons of meds for this and that, two back surgeries in the last 2 and half years, , just tons of problems and I swear they were all caused by his chronic crack use. I would like once in a while to have nice glass of wine, but of course no booze in the house cuz of his alcoholism. lolololol…when I travel out of town, my big treat is a beer or a glass of wine with dinner. Thats pathetic! You said in your post Al that you hate liars. Me too..and like you I have been a liar too, because I do not share y anxieties with any of my girlfriends. I am all”oh everything is great!” But I do not want to share it with them. I am too tired to listen to their judgemental BS and also just do not give a flying fig what they think. So I understand where our dear friend SHAZ is coming from. We have grown to be dependant on each other here and the Only place I can be honest is here. We have all been there done that and can relate and not be judgemental. We got sad news this weekend about his daughter…she spilt up with her husband because..guess what?…he is an alcoholic. She married her dad, just in a younger version. I suspect there is drug use, but not sure. Two little kids involved and it is heartbreaking. I am wanting my old life back today before my husband….lordie enough of this whining..where is J when we need her? Love to all

  37. al April 16, 2014 4:52 pm

    Hi Sharon B.

    So sorry to hear about your daughter. Just spoke to mine and after a terrible break up with her father…she was hesitant to acquire a boyfriend and when she finally did …most recently he went into the hospital for 3rd time suicide attempt and she never knew about the other two attempts as they happened before she ever met him. It is difficult to find a good man, or woman for that matter (ok, guys…please no peanut throwing in the gallery at me).So sad that your husband needs so much work on teeth and all. Just like my YOUNG ex bf that is losing his sight and his memory due to overuse of crack. Just to give you an idea about over use and abuse and lacking trust and faith in him….HE DID END UP SELLING THE MOTOR CYCLE for One quarter of what it was worth….for what????? GU]ESS!!! Yep he bought 400 hits of crack for $400! And he smoked it all in two days (less I imagine)! Then after he had absolutely nothing left…no where to go and slept in a car….he finally decided to go to rehab!

    He is doing extremely well….this time HE decided as no one wanted to lend him a helping hand any longer and it was TIME HE LEARNED TO DEPEND ON HIMSELF: I hope he makes it this time as he did the 2 weeks rehab, and since left, is now renting a small apt far from me where he will soon be sharing it with another guy he met in rehab. I truly hope he makes it as his stomach, eye sight, his self esteem, his relationships, his work….and so much more….just can´t take it anymore!

    I am doing much better all….as I have my space. When he does come to visit…half the visit is so nice, and the other half is so toxic that I prefer not to have him around. If he can lose the toxic part and stop pointing fingers at others, giving excuses, manipulating, and try to remain calm and respectful….then I could deal with him. But as he is (whether drugged up or like this)….he is virtually impossible to be around. I know it is a real hardship for him and we BOTH are suffering by the fact that we are no longer together. We are constantly on the phone anyway and just checking on one another. He now has to do it for himself and he welcomes this opportunity where he never did before. I so hope this works out for him! He deserves it as he has suffered for years. Just by opening up in his reunion to tell all about his abuse is a sign to me that he is ready to shed that old skin and move forward….which gives me much joy.

    As for faith….and trust…I already gave him my all of this. And it is hard now to trust and have faith and he is smart enough and not too screwed up yet to be able to understand this….before when he was consuming…he could not grasp this and sometimes still throws it in my face that he has never been able to trust women…they have always hurt him. Then I say the same about men and he calms down. He wants to earn my trust more than anything and he is working on all of this! So I applaud him as I do all of you that are battling this drug and staying clean. I know it is a true battle of strength, commitment, a wish to change and needing to make that change of your surroundings, people, and belief in yourself that you can overcome these obstacles that fked up your life! Withe this real commitment, and long term non use….I believe it can happen. Never return to the old ways….and only go forward in the new ways.

    I know what you mean about a drink….I have actually smoked a bit of weed to calm me down after he left that he didn´t know I had. I also had two beers over the weekend and out of respect and trying to help him for years….I parted with these things to be respectful and courteous to him. If we do not have a problem with it….I see no problem. But they can sniff you out as if they were hound dogs! So be careful not to rattle the cage. I so feel for you having to check on him….THAT for me was really hard! He did not touch any of my money, or things this time and I am so grateful for that , which was a relax time just in itself and I just don´t and can´t do it anymore.

    Wishing you the very best Sharon B. You are one heck of a strong woman and yes, I too do not want to talk about it to anyone….am sick of their lame advice because they don´t know what we are going through. And yes, I too feel comfortable sharing on here. It is a real release to be able to come here and vent and share and just be.

    All the best to everyone! Happy EASTER!!!

  38. Shaz April 18, 2014 6:39 am

    Hi everyone!al didn’t get upset bout wot you put gal,know wot you mean about hiding it,do speak about it, but don’t want the earache,my hubby doin well stop drinkin spirits,changed routine feel happy,for now but still waiting for the shoe to drop Sharon,think we all know when there being nice, we still can’t trust em,doing it to long now I suppose,other week( by accident) left page on my phone,he read it,wasn’t very happy at 1st,said I ain’t botherd, that’s ow you make me feel!talked&talk told him to read the posts!he says it’s my site!said everyone on ere shares even the addicts!will get him on here when his ready!but at minute take one day at time& pray with all my soul,that crack will not pull him away from me&turn him into the devils servant!last night got bit tearful,bout gear,couldn’t help it.said to him I’m gona have moments when it drags me down can’t just forget.but not got the trust in him anymore,don’t think I will ever have!so folks have a nice drug free peaceful Easter xxxx

  39. Deb April 18, 2014 9:58 pm

    Hi everyone Al, Sharon B, Shaz – been reading your posts and praying for all. I’ve been a bit down depressed & just found out I am very anemic – at least I know the reason why I have been dragging and so tired. Barely able to get up in the morning to go to work. I thought it was a part of getting older, so I am glad the Docs have found out something. They tested my iron levels are very low, so trying to take iron to see if it helps, if not I will be going to see a Specialist. My husband too is in very poor health and on many meds. I get aggravated with him all the time moaning – see this is what you are left after they clean up. He does not feel well so always negative and bad mood. Sometimes I feel bad for him and other times I get angry with myself for all that I have been thru and now this. We are not victoms it was my choice to stay. We have all been treated bad and stay – It’s like everytime I would get serious about leaving he could sense this in me and start acting nice again. Then I would think man I guess there’s something wrong with me. Ofcourse my upbringing didn’t help. I can remember being upbeat and positive all the time. It get’s harder to keep yourself up and them. There is a positive side to everything. It can always be or get worse. I believe we have to live in the moment – just like they say we do not know how long we will be here or what tomorrow has to bring.

    Shaz I have to agree with AL – please take some time to take care of yourself
    Sharon B – I agree with your lifes ups and downs – I do have a drink on occasion – In my house. I put the wine or beer in a large cup so as not to be putting in his face.
    Al – It’s always good to read your advise – Hope you x does well. Time will tell.
    For all the ADDICTS on this post I appreciate all of you input and pray for your recovery as well. I have seen my family while in their addiction and it is not a place I would want to be. I grew up in the 70s and tried and few things, and fortunately never got hooked. I don’t feel I have an addictive type of personality. My grown Children are still doing great. I’m enjoying every moment of them being clean. My Heart aches for all they have lost, but at the same time I have to be prepared so as not enable them should they go back to the DRUGS. Been there and done that – It only makes matters worse and will not help them get better. It could actually save their life, by not enabling. Theres not much you can do until the person is READY! I thank GOD everyday they are clean.

    NO we have to keep our guards up, because it’s in the addicts personality to LIE.

    I thank all of you for your comments.


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